


A New Hope

by roane



Series: Luke's Epiphany [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Movie Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 07:32:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5488880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roane/pseuds/roane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan and Yoda had both warned him about his impetuousness, his pride, his anger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A New Hope

It wasn't really his island, but after so long, Luke supposed he could be forgiven for thinking of it as his. And if not, compared to the other unforgivable things he'd done, claiming a remote island as his own was a minor failing.

As he prepared simple meals in his crude cave, he often thought of Yoda, wondering if this was what life had been like for him on Dagobah. Or Obi-Wan on Tatooine. He tried to tell himself that he was like them, seeking greater knowledge through solitude. But--like Obi-Wan at least--his retreat had more than a little self-exile to it. Seeking penance as much as knowledge.

Obi-Wan and Yoda had both warned him about his impetuousness, his pride, his anger. As they had predicted, those things had led to disaster and downfall. How had he thought, barely-trained as he was, that he could raise up a new generation of Jedi alone?

Did Han and Leia understand? He thought they might, but understanding and forgiveness were not the same thing. Nothing would change the fact that they'd lost their son because of him. And the others. All of the others. Luke knew each and every face of the apprentices he had lost. Their faces kept him company, silently remonstrating with him while he hid himself away here.

Yes, he'd found the First Jedi Temple, but it hadn't answered his questions or given him the explanations he'd hoped for.

So he waited. For what, he didn't know. It was an exercise in patience. (Yes, patience. No, not cowardice.) The Force was stirring beyond his quiet island retreat, and when he could no longer ignore it, then--then he would act.

One night, in the quiet, meditative hours between dinner and sleep, a blinding flash of pain came to him from across the galaxies, a loss utterly profound.

Leia. He recognized her grief, and knew there could be only one cause. There were only three people left in the universe that Leia cared about that much (if he counted himself, and he wasn't sure he could anymore). If Ben had died, Luke would have felt that in the Force. That left one person.

His own pain surprised him with its depth. Part of growing older meant losing the ones you loved, and he had said goodbye to many old friends through the years, but not like this. Not Han.

For the first time in years, he reached out with the Force to see his friends, trying to learn how it happened. All he could see was Ben's masked face. That told him enough. Another death to lay at his own feet.

Self-loathing such as he hadn't known since he was young rolled over him, like the waves crashing into his island. "If only", that deadly phrase, kept him company in the days following, with Han's face replacing the slain apprentices in their nightly vigil. Han, as he had been back in the day, vibrant and cocksure and young, so young. They'd all been young. Luke and Leia had been younger than Ben was now.

He might have lingered there, trapped in the past, lost in despair, but the movement in the Force grew too insistent.

He took his place on the cliff, waiting. Soon the familiar shape of the Millennium Falcon landed at the water's edge, and his heart tightened with the knowledge that her captain wasn't aboard, would never fly her again.

 _Focus_. The chiding voice in his head was still Obi-Wan's, would probably be Obi-Wan's to Luke's dying day.

Luke waited.

He heard the girl coming, climbing the endless stairs with vigor of youth.

And still he waited, until he could feel her about to speak. Then he turned around.

His heart lifted at the sight of her, and he ruthlessly tried to push the feeling down. The girl--he could only think of her as 'the girl', anything else signified too much attachment--didn't say anything. She just held out something he thought he'd never see again. His old lightsaber.

The look on her face, it reminded him so much of himself at her age, shining with hope he hadn't even realized he'd lost until just now.

Even as the childish part of him screamed _it's not fair, haven't I done enough?_ he knew he'd take the weapon from her hand and follow her out of here.

And maybe, just maybe, she could help repair the damage he'd done. The girl, and her hope.

**Author's Note:**

> As yet I've only seen the movie once, but I'm drowning in Luke Skywalker feelings. If my memory of about Rey not speaking is wrong, let me know!


End file.
